Meowingtons Hax Enabled
by Naberia Narcissa
Summary: Ciel is hungry. Post season 2. Sebastian gets trolled. Ghosts n stuff. A mau5. Neko-baka. I don't know.


Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or any related characters. I intend no harm against Joel Zimmerman and Meowingtons. This sure as hell doesn't reflect my actual opinion of them. If you don't know those names, you won't understand a word of this fic.

And yes, deadmau5' head changes with his mood.

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><p>Any outsider looking in would have misconstrued it as a small request.<p>

"Sebastian, I want something to eat."

"Of course, my lord. Do you crave anything in particular?"

"I want something... _different_."

"How so?"

A complacent smile. "You know, I'm not exactly certain. Find something that tastes interesting for me. This should be possible for you to do within the next two hours, shouldn't it?"

"Certainly."

Of course, both parties involved knew what was going on. It was yet another game between the little demon and his servant, and one of the few instances these days when Ciel managed to pique Sebastian's interest. Not only was Sebastian going to need to find a soul to take without attracting any attention from the ever-busy grim reapers, but it would also need to be a soul that sufficiently pleased his master's palate. The game was a bit different this time, however; normally Sebastian was given ludicrously specific instructions to follow, but this time, it was next to nothing. It was going to be fun seeing his master's annoyed little pout at the discovery that Sebastian would earn another point in this game of theirs.

-trollolololol-

Sebastian smiled to himself as he followed his lord's next meal. He would have blended in well with the city, were there anyone around to blend in with. He wore simple black slacks, dress shoes, and a pea coat, an article of clothing he was glad to know remained fashionable. Unusual clothing might make him stand out just a tad too much for this particular hunt. Sixteen years old, a runaway, overcoming an addiction to heroin, and still attempting to somehow graduate from high school early. If nothing else, the young master would at least appreciate the taste of her soul's determination.

The small demon hadn't eaten since late 2010, so his hunger likely did play some part in his order for something to eat. Being immortal creatures, demons couldn't be killed by something as minor as starvation. Of course, that's not to say they didn't feel hunger. On the contrary, they felt constant hunger. While no amount of feasting could ever sate a demon's hunger, eating did lessen the pangs. Though Ciel had been a demon for nearly a century and a quarter, he was still relatively young, and definitely still incredibly young next to someone like Sebastian. While the butler could easily handle a few years without eating, more than six months tended to make Ciel rather irate. Sebastian was surprised that his young master managed to last this long.

The wait was about to be over. All Sebastian was doing now was preparing the soul to be eaten. He followed her out of a convenience store after spying her shoplifting, and by now she was fully aware that she was being tailed. Sebastian could practically hear her heart trying to beat out of her chest and smell the chemicals her body produced in a fight-or-flight response. Hopefully she was the kind to choose to fight.

She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him. "Okay, what do you want? You've been following me for the past five- Huh?" She cut herself off upon realizing that the strange man following her was no longer there. She stared ahead for a few seconds, her hands deep in her pockets, looking around to see if he might have been hiding close by. There was nothing nearby that was large enough for an adult to hide behind. "What the fuck...?" she mumbled.

"How unladylike."

She yelped and swung her hands out of her pockets. Sebastian took hold of her nearest wrist, effectively halting the course of the pocketknife she had produced from her person. Her soul was absolutely steeped in terror by now, and before she could further react (or scream), Sebastian thrust his free hand into her throat.

"Dinner is served, young master," he announced as he lifted her under his arm, her knife dropping to the ground with a clank. As he carried her into a dark alley space between two buildings, his master appeared across the street. Ciel followed Sebastian into the alley as the butler sat the woman up against the wall with a gentleness that would have been comical were she not spurting blood from her neck and lurching violently. "It seems that when food is involved, the young master suddenly acquires proficiency at locating me with the contract seal."

Ciel ignored the comment and instead wrinkled up his nose. "Did you have to be so messy about it?"

"I'm afraid I had too little time to prepare this soul tidily. She had a concealed weapon." He looked around as he became aware of two visitors. "You should hurry and eat before the soul escapes, young master."

Ciel stood over the girl's body as Sebastian tried to focus and assess how much of a threat was being posed against them. One of the other entities was definitely a demon, wild and untethered by a contract. The other one was closer, but it was harder to figure out. Whatever it was, he knew it couldn't be any mortal human. He was almost certain he could hear a sigh coming from one of the rooftops above.

He glanced at Ciel to find his young lord standing motionless, his lips over the girl's mouth, drawing her soul out of her body. Actually, it was more akin to yanking it out of her body and wolfing it down, judging by the way the girl's soul was shrieking in agony. Ciel was probably still too young to even hear it.

"so wrong."

Sebastian was absolutely sure he heard that, and it was coming from the creature he still had yet to properly identify. His best guess was that it was some sort of stray soul watching them, but what on earth would it be doing traveling with a demon, without a contract at that?

Ciel straightened up, having finished his meal, and the girl fell over on the ground. Sebastian caught sight of his lord standing there with his arms akimbo, an annoyed expression on his features, and immediately knew he had won this round. "And was the meal to your liking?"

"It managed not to make me ill," Ciel answered grudgingly.

"wrong, wrong, wrong."

"What was that?" Ciel asked, looking around.

"We seem to have an observer. If I'm not mistaken, it's a disembodied soul of some sort."

Ciel's look of confusion changed into one of intrigue. "That is to say, a ghost?"

"Indeed, though not one you'd expect to normally see." Sebastian pointed to the fire escape on one of the walls where the creature sat.

Ciel followed his finger and immediately jumped back. The thing smiled at them. "ur doin it wrong."

From the shoulders down, it seemed to be all human, clad in a simple t-shirt and jeans. But there was one glaring problem with the thing – its head. Its cranium was just a massive sphere covered in skin and blue fur. It eyes were bulging yellow orbs with black X-marks where the irises and pupils should have been. On the sides of its head, the creature had huge furry black discs for ears. And its smile was just an enormous semicircle that occupied the lower half of its face, opening to what seemed like a bottomless pit of a mouth.

"could you be doing it any wronger?" it asked, tilting its giant head.

"Sebastian, how do you expect me to believe that's a ghost?" Ciel whispered, trying to gather his wits. He had seen ghosts, and he had seen some rather strange-looking demons, but he had never seen anything quite like this.

It continued its taunting as Sebastian began to explain. "It's not unheard of for some souls to change appearance after death, especially if they have some kind of outside help."

"Help such as?"

Sebastian smiled down at his master, closing his eyes.

Ciel sighed. "Right. So where's the demon?"

"It shouldn't be too far from here. It seems to be staying out of sight until it's needed."

"Good. If it weren't nearby, this wouldn't be any fun." He smiled. "Since that's a ghost, we already don't need to worry about any grim reapers coming to collect it, do we? And I'm curious as to how something like that would taste."

"There seems to be something you want, young master," Sebastian pointed out knowingly.

Ciel spoke up so that even the creature on the fire escape would be able to hear him. "This is an order, Sebastian. Capture the ghost."

"Yes, my lord." One challenge for him to find food had only just been completed, and here he was being given another. His master sure was a sore loser.

The ghost stood and leaned over the rail of the fire escape. The fur on its head and ears changed from black and blue to bright red, and its eyes became white. "hey demonfags. you need a ladder?"

"That won't be necessary," Sebastian answered.

With one leap, he reached the fire escape. The loose soul ascended the fire escape with amazing ease, managing to keep just out of Sebastian's reach. It reached the roof and ran across, the demon right on its tail. It reached the opposite end of the roof, and Sebastian smiled, expecting it to stop. Much to his surprise, not only did it jump off the edge, but it glided through the air like some sort of big cartoon-headed bird.

Responding quickly, Sebastian produced a handful of table knives from beneath his coat and flung them forward. One lodged itself into the ghost's thigh, another into its lower back, and third into the back of its orbicular head. This would not kill the creature, but the injuries did interrupt its flight.

Sebastian leaped to the next roof as the ghost came crash landing. "fuck my life," it grumbled, reaching back to remove the knife from its head.

"You fail to recognize your life is already gone. Now, being that you already lack a proper body, allow your soul-... to..." He froze in place as the other demon finally showed itself, presenting a most captivating form he had never seen one of his own kind take. Eyes the color of precious nephrite. Fur the color of night, and the texture of temptation itself. Snow white paws, belly, and face. Whiskers reaching outward like curving fingers made of alabaster. Sebastian suddenly understood the rush of emotions humans collectively called love.

-trollolololol-

Ciel climbed the fire escape, silently cursing Sebastian's tendency to run off without him now that his master was a demon. If he made any complaint about it out loud, the butler would only tease him for not learning to take full advantage of the contract seal. Fortunately, this time he shouldn't be getting too far away and was probably already waiting for his master to come and receive the exotic meal.

He pulled himself up onto the roof and was met with a most embarrassing sight. The ghost was standing beside Sebastian on top of the next building, arms folded and shaking his head. Sebastian was seated on the roof, and in his arms was a black-and-white cat. He hurried to the edge of the roof, where he heard the ghost sighing, "it should be illegal to do it this wrong."

"Sebastian! What is the meaning of this? I gave you a direct order!"

"u mad bro? y u mad?"

"I apologize, young master," Sebastian said, "but he won't allow me to capture the soul." Despite his sincere-sounding apology, he made no move to stop stroking the cat in his lap.

"Maybe if you wouldn't stop what you're doing every time you saw a cat, that wouldn't be an issue."

The ghost smiled widely. "u mad cuz meowingtons haxed ur demon?"

"Meowingtons?" Ciel echoed.

"Young master, allow me to explain." He placed the cat down (with some visible difficulty) and leaped to his master's side. "I present to you Professor Meowingtons, Ph.D. He is a demon. The creature over there," he continued, pointing toward the former object of his pursuit, "is called a deadmau5. It has become able to gain slight demon-like qualities, but as far as I can tell it has not become one yet."

"So can I still eat it?" Ciel asked impatiently.

"Yes and no. It's certainly edible, but Meowingtons keeps this... 'deadmau5' with him as a pet of sorts. He'd like to have a wager with you for him."

"Is that so? What would be the terms of this wager?" Ciel's interest was easier to read than the obnoxious signs jewelers used to get people to sell their gold. How cute, after all these years, deep down he was still just a child, forever looking for someone to play games with him.

"He wishes to see a duel between deadmau5 and myself. Should I win, you may have him, but if he wins, my service would be forfeit."

"Why does it seem like you just made that last part up?" Ciel asked with noticeable annoyance.

"That was his request, I swear it. Remember, young master, I never tell lies." He smiled with his eyes closed, as if to disarm him.

"Fine, take me over there."

"As you wish." He lifted Ciel up into his arms and returned to the roof where the cat and mau5 waited. After setting Ciel on his feet, he said, "Allow me to introduce you to my master, the young lord Phantomhive, former earl of Phantomhive."

"I accept the terms of this duel," Ciel said, unable to keep from feeling ridiculous talking to a cat.

Meowingtons (or rather, the professor) simply blinked up at him, then turned and walked away. As he disappeared behind one of the structures on the roof, Ciel barked after him, "Where do you think you're going?"

"probably gonna make a weapon or somethin." deadmau5 was once again blue with boredom. "one time he made swords out of moon rocks. or some shit like that."

"You don't know?" Ciel asked, seeming to be caught between incredulity and annoyance.

"i wasnt really paying attention."

"How does a creature like you even manage to exist?" deadmau5 definitely didn't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed to the young demon.

"well... i eat souls n ghosts n stuff. moar ghosts n whatever lately, but i dont mind. only thing is meowingtons always gives me crap."

"I'm certain he bears you no ill will," Sebastian said, missing the cat even though he was only around the corner.

"oh he does. hes just a professor part-time, but he's a full-time hatercat."

"What are you two even doing together?" Ciel asked. "I would think he'd try to eat your soul by now."

"why would he do that? meowingtons is my sidekick."

"You do realize this is a demon you're talking about?"

"i know he sucks sometimes but thats kinda extreme, dont you think?"

"You _must _be kidding me..."

Meowingtons returned from behind the various roof structures, holding a long broadsword in his mouth. He set it down and meowed, prompting deadmau5 to retrieve it.

"Sebastian," Ciel called. "You will not allow him to win."

"Why, whatever makes you think I would do that?" Sebastian asked, giving a fully knowledgeable smile.

"I'm serious!"

"I wouldn't dare be swayed by something as trivial as the professor's gem-like eyes, or his delicately-sheathed claws."

"Sebastian..."

On the other side of the roof, deadmau5 was looking down at Meowingtons, cocking his gargantuan head at the cat. "so you just want me to fight this guy by myself?" Meowingtons blinked in response. "why?" the cat demon swished his tail. "if you werent so fat, you could probably help me out here." The tail stopped moving and stood up straight. "ohhhhh... why didnt you just say that?" deadmau5 turned to his opponent, brandishing his new sword. His fur suddenly became black, and his eyes similarly went dark. His mouth opened up into a jack-o-lantern smile, the inside glowing like hell fire. Ciel and Sebastian would know.

"Young master, you may want to stay back."

"What's wrong with that thing?" Ciel asked in alarm.

deadmau5 rushed to Sebastian and swung his sword, only to have it deflected by a handful of table knives. "Young master, do you recall the supposed rapture of May 21st earlier this year?" He flung the knives at deadmau5, but his opponent dodged them this time.

"What about it?" Ciel asked, scurrying out of the way of the battle.

Sebastian met another attack from deadmau5. "As you know, there was indeed a very powerful demon planning to take advantage of the humans' fears, but only rumors were offered as to what happened to it." The two combatants stood a short distance apart, assessing each other's next movements. "Standing before us are the pair who stopped it from coming to earth."

"This _idiot _and a cat stopped the rapture?" Ciel asked incredulously.

"It wasn't the true rapture, of course," Sebastian corrected.

deadmau5 grinned as widely as ever, the jagged smile literally splitting his face. "just a shit-talking veloci-rapture. you jelly?"

"I will admit that was no small feat. Possibly just as laudable is the fact that you haven't been discovered."

"if i just mention it on facebook and people think im making it up." He ran forward to swing his sword again, but Sebastian held it in place with his knives. "people don't believe anything." He quickly withdrew his sword and thrust it through Sebastian's stomach.

Ciel gasped. "Sebastian!"

The butler smiled and stabbed four knives into deadmau5' chest, causing him to stumble backward, growling "fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." He crashed onto his bottom, his hands hovering over the silverware in his chest.

"It's unwise to disarm yourself like this," Sebastian lectured. He pulled the sword out of his belly and tossed it aside. A swift kick landed on the side of the mau5' head, knocking him on his side. "It would appear that I've won, Professor." He smiled at the black-and-white cat.

deadmau5 managed to push himself up into a crouch. "ur still doin it wrong." He leaped up, his glowing mouth stretched wide open. His jaws snapped shut mere inches from Sebastian's face as the demon leaned back out of the way. Sebastian put distance between him and deadmau5 by kicking the enemy in his stomach. The mau5 looked almost pitiable, doubled over with his hands over his stomach, knives still protruding from his chest. He then looked up, and the return of his hellishly burning grin erased all potential sympathy. "you know, ive eaten regular food – even at places where i wasnt the only dead mouse – and ive eaten all kinds of souls, but ive never had demon before."

An unfamiliar voice suddenly spoke. "Yeah, you're not gonna be adding that to your menu today, either." All turned to the source of the new voice to find none other than a blond grim reaper on the roof observing, a weed trimmer resting on his shoulder. "Don't get me wrong, I'd pay to watch you two tear each other to shreds, but I'm on assignment. I'll be taking the deadmau5 into custody and bringing the one responsible for it with me for questioning." He glanced down off the roof. "Though I guess I can't let the other two of you get away with stealing souls, either."

"what do you want with me?" deadmau5 asked, sounding more annoyed than intimidated. His fur turned red as he lost his fire for battle.

"What _do_you want with him?" Ciel asked with equal parts irritation and confusion.

"That guy was made by combining the souls of a dead mouse and a living human. A human that should have been under the authority of grim reapers, had his soul not been stolen as well. So are you gonna come quietly like a good little mau5?"

"hell no, im on a tour. i dont really care what you reaperfags have to say about it, but i have a show in hollywood this thursday."

"Hey, I'm flexible. Friday?"

"i have to finish the tour too."

"What about after the tour?"

"well I wanted to get back to working on some new releases after that."

"Christ, when are you not busy? Your music's not even that good!"

"haters gonna hate."

Sebastian turned to Ciel. "Young master, I believe it's time for us to go."

"Damn," Ciel said under his breath. "Fine, let's go."

"You guys aren't going anywhere!" the reaper protested, revving up his scythe. He began to give chase to Sebastian, but the butler was faster in going to retrieve his master. deadmau5 likewise went to pick up Meowingtons.

"this isnt over, you know," deadmau5 announced.

"Of course. We shall meet again." deadmau5 took off in flight, which caught the attention of the assigned reaper. Sebastian smiled as escape became certain. _And I look forward to our next encounter, Professor,_ he thought.

The reaper groaned in frustration at the fact that four targets had just eluded him at once. "Why do I always end up having to go after the weirdos?" he asked himself. It looked like his next stop was going to be Hollywood.

* * *

><p><em>Regards:<em>

To Joel Zimmerman, thank you for providing me with both material to use in this... _this_, and for music to listen to in the meantime.

To Meowingtons, thank you for enabling hax.

To everyone who read this, I'm sorry. And thank you.


End file.
